Goodbye, Princess.

Forgive me if I ramble. 

Yesterday, fandom across the world was met with the crushing news that Princess Leah Esquanazi had become one with the Force. This news hit me hard, as it did all of her loyal subjects. For the last year and a half, members of fandom around the world united under her banner. It didn't matter if you were a TK, a Merc, a Trekkie or a Jedi. You loved this little girl with all your heart because she showed strength that we can only dream of. So much of her short life was filled with discomfort, but she somehow gave those that loved her comfort. 

Because of her amazing strength, I nominated her for Honorary Membership as a Mandalorian Merc. If ANYONE showed "mando grit", it was the Princess. Making her plaque, I was filled with a sense of ...hope. I hoped that plaque would remind her parents that despite the miles between us all, they were not alone.

 Last November, I had the distinct honor of meeting her, Frani and Zev. Such amazing parents, filled with love for their beautiful little girl. I got to see her eyes sparkle when she looked at her mommy. How she'd calm down when daddy was near. 

I am so greatful for the short meeting I had, because I know I will carry that moment in my heart forever. 

Thank you Zev and Frani for sharing your daughter with the world. For sharing your pain, and your joy. 

Thank you Leah for sharing your light with us. Words can not express the debt of gratitude that we all owe you. 

I refuse to think of you "losing" the fight to Mitochondrial Disease. Instead, you took the fight to a new level and won. You won an eternity free from pain. Your struggle will help to find a cure for this disease and spare countless other children from having to fight the battle you waged. 

We love you too.

Only the Father you will be.

Before I get into the  main part of this post, I have to give some background for some of you.

In the fictional world of Star Wars, there is a culture known as The Mandalorians. The Mandalorians are not a race. They are an adoptive culture. All you need to possess to become Mandalorian, is the desire to be Mandalorian. The armor that I wear is that of a Mandalorian. The culture really appeals to me. Family is a very important factor of their culture. Not along bloodlines (as discussed in a prior posting). But along the lines of who truly is family to you.

Within this culture, there are numerous proverbs and sayings. One of my favorites.

"No one cares who your father is, only the father you will be"

I interpret this, based both on my own beliefs and the culture it is derived from, as the fact that Father is a title that is not given, but is earned. 

I take this as a challenge. Let me tell you why.

Because I DO care who my father is. First, I have to say that Father is the one who raised you. Father, to me, has nothing to do with genes, and everything to do with heart. It is earned, not  given.

My father is a man that did not have to be. He is a man that fell in love with my mother. He took her children as his own. He gave me his name. He raised me. He loved me. He taught me. He sacrificed for me. He fought me. He fought for me. He has been there for me every day of my life. He made mistakes along the way, but never gave up trying to be the best father he could be. If it was not for him, I do not like to think of the life that my mother and I would have had. How much different would I be?  

So I feel very sorry for those that say "but he's not your father". Because Fuck You.   No other man on this planet, past, present or future, will be my father. No one else has earned that title. 

The day I became a father in my own right, the pride in his eyes was immense. And  that's when I understood. That's when you know what kind of father you will be.

No one cares who your father is, only the father you will be. Because your own father no longer cares about the job he did, only the job you will do. Because it's still his job to guide you. to help you. Because like any good father, he wants you to succeed. And this is what makes him a GRAND father. 

As I face new challenges every day with my boys, I have the example that my father set for me as a guide. Sometimes, I will follow that guide. Other times I will recognize the mistakes he made and choose another path. 

I can only hope, 30 years from now, when my boys are old enough to be fathers in their own right, that I have done half the job my father has.

I love you Dad. Thank you.

my Superhero

Occasionally, I look back at my Facebook and check out old posts I made. Last night, scrolling through facebook, I found this post from November 7, 2012.

On the off chance my subtlety is lost.
Last Thursday, Kelli and I had our suspicions confirmed. Jack was diagnosed as Autistic, specifically Asperger's Disorder. Along with dyslexia, dysgraphia, a host of sensory disorders, and oh yeah ADHD. He's also a certified genius. Anyone that has ever met my son is not shocked by this news, but maybe surprised as I was. 

These diagnosis do NOT mean that anything is "wrong" with my son (and I will "have words" with the first person that says something is. My son is different. He is exceptional He is a lamborghini amongst station wagons. I'm lucky to be his father. But our lives are going to be different as we learn how to adapt to living in a world that does not move at Jackspeed™.

This post was made a few days after we were presented the report that Jack was an Aspie. Although it did not change at all how I feel about Jack, I can not lie and say it didn't change how I look at him. See, that report was a giant hand that slapped the goggles of denial off of my face. My "perfect" little boy wasn't "perfect". But it made somethings make so much sense.


I love my son. Words simply do not express how much light he brings to my world. Jack is my superhero. He even has a cape. I call him a superhero for a reason.He saved my marriage.
Jack was born in 2003. For reasons I won't go into, my marriage began to fall apart. For those that have met my wife, this may seem completely impossible. But alot of things went wrong. The biggest thing is that we lost communication.

I was absolutely miserable at my job, and brought that animosity home. Not a good mix. Don't misunderstand, Kelli and I did love each other, we just didn't like each other. At all. And it probably eroded the love more than either of us realize or want to admit. But we held on. Jack, up until he was 3 years old, held us up. Both Kelli and I admitted to each other later that we held on for so long because of Jack. Neither of us wanted him to grow up in a "broken" family. But for 3 years, my son held us, our problems, our issues up on his little shoulders. And never knew it. He smiled, and loved and laughed, and never let go of those few remaining heart strings that tied his mother and his father together.

March 27th, 2006.I was let go from my job very unceremoniously. To be blunt I got shitcanned.

Kelli told me later that when I got home that night, she had finally worked up the courage to leave. But I called her on the way home, in tears, that I'd lost my job, and that I was a failure. Despite how much she probably wanted to agree, she couldn't kick me when I was down. I came home and picked up my son and just held him for a while. I like to think that seeing how I held him when I was down helped Kelli rediscover the beginnings of why she loved me.


Needless to say, we repaired our marriage, and it is stronger than ever before. Of the 12 years that she and I have been together, 3 of those years only made it because of a little blonde headed superhero.


My son is exceptional. He is my hero. And sometimes I forget he's not "perfect". Because he is perfect. To me.

Family is more than bloodlines.

A proverb from a fictional society, that rings so true with me. I've never believed the old saying that "you can't choose family".

Bullshit. While there are many things in life you can't chose, family IS something you chose. You can't chose to be born or what color your eyes are. You can't chose   what color the sky is, or if it's going to rain. 

You can chose who you call your brothers and sisters. You can chose to remove those that are no longer worthy of that honor. Growing up, I had a brother. We shared the same parents. After watching him ruin his life so many times, and yes trying to intervene, I had enough. As far as I am concerned, I will think of him as dead until it is so. And then I will think of him no more. 

Instead, I will focus and think on the people in life that have chosen to be my family. That have chosen by their actions to stand by me, and to allow me to stand by them. These men and women are people that I hold dear.

So to my brothers and sisters, my cousins (hey, just cause I consider you family doesn't mean we are that close), my aunts and uncles, my parents and my "other parents". 

Thank you for making the right choice. 

I love you all.

No I'm not naming names. If you have to ask if you are family, then you aren't paying attention.

2012: The Highlights

In no particular order. I present the highlights of 2012.

My mother surviving a massive heart attack.

Celebrating 11 years with my soulmate. Officially "over a decade"

Clan Murraan's 3rd birthday bash. Specifically the look on everyone's face when Stephen Stanton and Rick Fitts skyped with us.

Celebration VI. Being part of it was truly a once in a lifetime event. I can never thank Kathy and Dutch enough for making it happen for me.

Long Beach Comic Con. Again, thanks to Dutch and Kathy, I got a chance to "go home" for the first time in nearly 20 years. And I get to meet so many new friends.

Discovering that Jack is Aspergers. Highlight? Finding out my son is gifted, but has some challenges? yeah, I'll call it a highlight, because I will never think of him as anything else.

"Legend of Drunken Jedi Master"

Kelli becoming PTA president.

Jack started 3rd grade.

Driving down to Austin to march in a parade with my best friend.

Road trip up to Tulsa and getting my first artist sketch of me in armor.

Becoming ID-9386 of the 501st Legion.

The smile on an autistic boy's face when he discovered my goatee.

Elliot discovering Superman.

Discussing Superman with Stephen Stanton

Making Rick Fitts an Honorary Murraan.

Meeting Michael Gregory

The look on Dutch's face when I slipped him a coin.

Spending a week with my wife and kids. Even if we were all sick, I love being with my family.

Elliot's first white christmas.

6 years at my job. Longest I've ever been with an employer.



2013, you gotta lot to live up to.

What it's like to be Baelin (Why I love being a costumer)

I've played "dress up" for years. For a few years, I did Old West re-enactments. Then I later moved on to my true love. Star Wars. I costumed as a Jedi for about a year, only actually attended one event as a member of the Rebel Legion. Leadership at the time sucked. Anyway...

For the last 3 years I have been a member of the Mandalorian Mercs Costuming Club. At the time I joined I was the 237th member. There are now over 600. While still small compared to the 501st Legion's (of which I'm also a member) thousands of active members , one has to bear in mind that the Legion is 15 years old while the Mercs just celebrated 5 years.

Over the last 3 years, I've achieved a lot with the MMCC. I've made numerous friends, some who have truly become family to me. I was the second Official Merc in the State of Texas (Spanner didn't beat me by much, and had a few months head start). I have been an officer of the Clan since the day we achieved that status. 

I'm the longest serving Alor'ad in the State of Texas. I've traveled to 3 other states and done close to 40 events. I've served as a member of the approval team. 

I've helped to strengthen relations with the Star Garrison, and other Clans. I've helped make Clan Murraan a positive example of what this club can be. I've caused codex changes. I've got Mandalore on speed dial. I like to think I've built a pretty solid reputation.

May sound like I'm tooting my horn, and to an extent I am. This is after all 'what it's like to be Baelin'.

But all of that takes a back seat to why I actually do this. Why I put up with the jokes, the sneers, and the crap.

I remember the first time a kid came up to me and gave me a hug. In armor. I remember when a little boy with autism came up to me and was mesmerized by the textures and feel of my helmet.  When a little girl handed me a pinwheel.

All my personal accomplishments mean exactly nothing until I see a child smile.

Baelinisms

For every decision you make, there is an equal and opposite slap to the back of your head waiting


Do what is right because it is right. Not because you want glory.


Do not give advice you are not willing to follow yourself


Your body is a weapon. Your mind is the ammunition. If you are not alert, prepared, at your best, it is like having a blaster with no charge. It's worthless.
Take the opportunity to sleep when it comes, for it's your only chance to reload between the battle of Today and the Battle of Tomorrow


Be the father you wish to be. Teach your children strength and courage. But above all else, teach them to think for themselves


It only takes one "aw shit" to ruin a thousand "attaboys"


Some times, you are faced with a choice. Make history, or be history

Family is more than bloodlines.
Mandalorian Proverb.

Don't mistreat family. They are the ones that cover you while you reload. And you for damn sure cover them.

do not blame the entire group for one asshole. even with out the group, he's still an asshole.


Do not confuse silence for ignorance, calmness for acceptance, or kindness for weakness.

Those that don't learn from their mistakes are stupid. Don't be stupid.